I recently spent the weekend with a group of friends I’ve known since middle and high school. It was magic. Five moms who have known each other since our own silly teenage years, now sharing the stories of the lives we've built and the challenges we've navigated along the way.
Every one of these women has parented through something significant. Between us, we've experienced graduate school with babies and toddlers, Type 1 diabetes and other life-threatening illnesses in little bodies, the death of a husband and father, weddings, college sports, breast cancer, adoption, and so much more. It felt surreal to have an entire weekend to hear the stories, successes, failures, painful moments, and joyful moments of these women, all of whom share one of their most beloved titles: Mom.
I've been thinking a lot about one friend's current parenting challenge, and it's one I see frequently in my line of work.
For the sake of readability, let's call her young teen "Miles."
Throughout the weekend, Miles called repeatedly to seek reassurance about his growing and increasingly overwhelming anxiety. The first afternoon we were away, he had a headache and became convinced it might mean he was going to die. Later, he was lying in bed terrified of what the night would bring and needed reassurance that he would be able to fall asleep. The calls continued into the early morning hours, with worries about school, and later in the day, questions about when his mom would be home.
Anxiety is a sneaky little bugger.
As parents, hearing the discomfort in our children's voices makes us want to do just about anything to make it go away. We want to comfort them, answer their questions, and promise them everything will be okay.
But sometimes, what our children are asking us for isn't necessarily what they need. In fact, repeatedly providing the reassurance they're seeking can unintentionally make their anxiety worse.
Because let's face it: We can't promise our children they won't get sick, that they'll fall asleep easily, or that nothing uncomfortable will happen at school. What we can do is remind them how strong and capable they are of navigating difficult feelings and uncertain situations.
When it comes to parenting a child with anxiety, our responses matter. Well-intentioned efforts to protect children from distress can sometimes reinforce the very anxiety we're trying to ease.
The goal isn't to become less compassionate or responsive. It's to learn how to respond in ways that communicate confidence rather than fear.
Here are a few important things to understand when supporting an anxious child.
1. Reassurance Can Become Part of the Anxiety Cycle
When children feel anxious, they naturally look for certainty. They want to know that nothing bad will happen, that they won't get sick, that they'll fall asleep, or that tomorrow will be okay.
When a parent provides reassurance, the child often experiences immediate relief. Unfortunately, that relief may be short-lived. The next time the anxious thought appears, the child may feel compelled to seek reassurance again.
This can create a cycle:
Anxiety shows up: The child has a frightening or uncomfortable thought.
Reassurance is requested: The child asks a parent to confirm that everything will be okay.
Temporary relief follows: The parent provides reassurance, and the child's anxiety decreases for a little while.
The anxiety returns: Another worry appears, and the child needs reassurance all over again.
Repeated reassurance can provide short-term relief while leaving the underlying fear and difficulty tolerating uncertainty unchanged.
It's important to recognize that reassurance itself isn't harmful. Children absolutely need comfort, encouragement, and support from their parents. The concern is the repetitive, anxiety-driven reliance on reassurance that can become part of the anxiety cycle.
Every time we rush to convince our children that nothing bad will happen, we risk reinforcing the idea that they cannot handle uncertainty or an unknown future.
2. Parental Accommodation Is Loving, Understandable, and Sometimes Counterproductive
Researchers use the term family accommodation to describe the ways parents change their behaviors, routines, or expectations in response to a child's anxiety.
This might look like:
Repeatedly answering the same anxious questions.
Allowing a child to avoid situations that make them uncomfortable.
Changing family plans to prevent a child's anxiety.
Staying with a child until their anxiety disappears.
Participating in routines or rituals designed to reduce distress.
Parents do these things because they love their children. Watching a child struggle is hard, and when we find something that makes the distress go away, it's natural to keep doing it.
And frequently, these accommodations work in the short term.
However, higher levels of family accommodation are associated with greater anxiety-related impairment in children. Reducing these accommodations is also an established treatment target for childhood anxiety.
One approach worth knowing about is SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), a parent-based treatment model developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz and colleagues at Yale. SPACE teaches parents how to remain supportive and connected while gradually reducing behaviors that may maintain a child's anxiety.
In a randomized clinical trial, parent-based SPACE treatment was found to be as effective as individual cognitive behavioral therapy for childhood anxiety.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is resist the urge to rescue our children from discomfort. Not because their distress doesn't matter, but because their confidence and independence matter in the long run.
3. Validation and Reassurance Are Not the Same Thing
This is one of the most important distinctions parents can learn when supporting an anxious child.
Validation communicates: "I understand that you're afraid, and your feelings matter."
Reassurance often communicates: "I promise that the thing you're afraid of will not happen."
Confidence-building support communicates: "I believe you can handle uncertainty and discomfort, even when I cannot promise how things will turn out."
The difference may seem small, but it can have a meaningful impact on how children learn to respond to anxiety.
Let's go back to Miles. Imagine he calls his mom worried that he won't be able to fall asleep.
Instead of saying:
"Don't worry. You'll fall asleep. I promise."
Try:
"I know bedtime feels scary right now. Your body knows how to sleep, and you can give yourself time to settle."
Instead of saying:
"Everyone gets headaches. You're fine."
Try:
"Headaches can feel scary when you're worried about your health. Let's check whether there's anything that needs attention, and then use your coping skills."
Instead of saying:
"Nothing bad will happen at school tomorrow."
Try:
"I know you're worried about tomorrow. You've handled hard school days before, and we'll help you make a plan."
Instead of saying:
"I'll stay on the phone until you feel better."
Try:
"I love you, and I know you can practice settling yourself. Let's choose one thing you can do after we hang up."
The goal is not to dismiss your child's fear or withhold comfort. It's to pair emotional connection with a message of capability.
4. The Goal Isn't to Eliminate Anxiety. It's to Build Tolerance for Discomfort.
Anxiety is not inherently dangerous, and experiencing anxiety doesn't mean something is wrong.
Children who struggle with anxiety can sometimes become afraid of the feeling of anxiety itself. A racing heart, a headache, difficulty sleeping, or a sense of dread can become evidence that something terrible is about to happen.
Research on intolerance of uncertainty suggests that difficulty accepting unpredictable outcomes is an important treatment target for anxious children.
Anxiety desperately wants certainty. It wants guarantees that we won't get sick, that nobody will be mean to us, that we won't embarrass ourselves, and that everything will turn out okay.
But certainty is something none of us can offer our children.
What we can offer is the opportunity to discover that they can tolerate uncertainty, survive disappointment, and navigate discomfort.
Those are the skills that will serve them long after we're no longer there to answer the phone.
5. Confidence Is Built Through Experience, Not Just Encouragement
We can tell our children they're capable a thousand times. But ultimately, confidence grows when they experience themselves successfully navigating difficult situations.
We cannot talk our children into believing they're capable nearly as effectively as we can allow them to discover it for themselves.
Every time they do something hard, sit with an uncomfortable feeling, or navigate a situation without being rescued, they collect a little more evidence that they can handle what life throws at them.
The key is for parents to remain supportive while allowing children opportunities for independence.
This does not mean pushing children into overwhelming situations, ignoring their distress, or refusing help when they genuinely need it. It means recognizing the difference between providing necessary support and stepping in to remove every uncomfortable feeling.
Here's something encouraging: Parents don't have to wait for their children to change before they begin changing the way they respond to anxiety.
Research has demonstrated that when parents learn to reduce accommodations while remaining warm and supportive, their children's anxiety can improve.
Sometimes the first person who needs to practice tolerating discomfort is the parent who has to listen to their child struggle without immediately swooping in to fix it.
Three Things Anxious Kids Need to Hear
When your child is caught in an anxious moment, it can be difficult to know what to say. Here are three simple reminders to help guide your response:
1. "I see you."
Acknowledge and validate the emotion.
"I can tell this feels really scary right now."
2. "I believe in you."
Communicate confidence in your child's ability to work through the feeling.
"I know this is hard, and I know you can work through hard things."
3. "What's your next step?"
Gently redirect your child toward action and independence.
"What is one thing you can do right now to help yourself get through this?"
These responses remind children that their feelings matter, that they aren't alone, and that they have the ability to take steps forward even when something feels hard.
Helping Our Children Discover What They're Capable Of
I keep thinking about the women I spent that weekend with. The girls I knew at 15, who have since become mothers, professionals, caregivers, widows, and some of the strongest women I know.
None of us could have imagined the challenges life would eventually hand us. And no one could have promised us that we would be spared the really hard stuff.
But here we are.
We've faced things we never imagined facing. We've experienced losses we never wanted to experience. We've survived uncertainty, heartbreak, and disappointment. And we've discovered that we're capable of far more than we knew.
Isn't that ultimately what we want for our children?
Not to convince them that life won't be hard. Not to promise them that nothing bad will happen. But to help them develop the confidence that, when hard things happen, they will have what it takes to get through them.
Our job isn't to convince our children that they have nothing to fear. It's to help them discover that they have what it takes to face their fears.
Supporting Children With Anxiety at Wasatch Learning & Wellness
Watching your child struggle with anxiety can be overwhelming, especially when you're unsure how to help without unintentionally reinforcing their fears. At Wasatch Learning & Wellness in Sandy, Utah, we understand that big emotions can be challenging for both children and parents. Our team provides comprehensive psychological evaluations for children, teens, and adults, along with compassionate therapy services for ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, learning differences, and other mental health concerns. Our mission is to help individuals and families better understand themselves through expert, evidence-based care that leads to lasting growth.
Clear Insight. Meaningful Change.
Whether you're seeking answers through a psychological evaluation or looking for ongoing therapeutic support, our experienced team is here to help you move forward with confidence, clarity, and compassion.
Not sure where to begin? Schedule a free consultation with a psychologist to discuss your concerns, ask questions, and determine which services may be the best fit for you or your child.
A little bit about the author:
Nicole Stewart, PhD | Licensed Psychologist | Clinical Director of Wasatch Learning & Wellness
"Dr. Nicole Stewart is a licensed psychologist, co-owner of the practice, and former school psychologist with over two decades of experience supporting families and schools in Utah. She specializes in comprehensive psychological evaluations that reveal a person’s unique strengths and provide actionable roadmaps for school and home support."
