A few years ago, during the inevitable furniture shuffle that comes with growing bodies, we decided to donate a cute little twin-sized pedestal bed frame in favor of a larger bed and mattress. Taking the bed apart reminded us of what has since been coined “The Sharpie Incident of 2015.”
Our middle has always had “big feelings,” shall we say? At nearly 15, he is wildly tender and compassionate. He is reasonable and mature, but he can also get his feelings hurt fairly easily—something I have to remind myself of from time to time. He is able to communicate quite well what he is feeling and has learned to walk away and return to a conversation if he is feeling overwhelmed.
But rewind to three.
Those big feelings did not yet have the benefit of years of maturity, language, perspective, and self-control. And they often came out sideways.
I couldn’t tell you what the precipitating event was, but I’m sure it involved the wrong color of cup, pancakes that weren’t cut the right way, or being told that he couldn’t wear his swimsuit to preschool in January. Whatever it was, he was so incensed that he marched down to our basement guest room and took a Sharpie to the side of the bed frame closest to the wall. If I recall correctly, he drew angry pictures and wrote the word MAD in all caps on the bed frame.
Yes, early signs that he was a prodigy… already spelling CVC words!
This was only one of many expressions of rage during the year of raising that particular three-nager. I have another picture of him dressed head-to-toe in snow clothes, suitcase packed, standing at the front door glaring at me as he silently threatened to leave home.
In my line of work, I see versions of this all the time. Some kids just come to us as big feelers. Something doesn’t go the way they planned, and they are DEVASTATED. And sometimes there is absolutely no fixing it because, as it turns out, cut pancakes cannot be reattached.
But how we respond to those big feelings can have a significant influence on whether children gradually develop the skills to manage them—or continue to rely on spectacular meltdowns as their bodies get bigger.
Why Do Young Children Have Such Big Feelings?
The problem isn't really the cup. Or the pancakes. Or the swimsuit.
Little kids develop the capacity to feel long before they develop the skills to manage what they feel. A preschooler can experience disappointment, anger, embarrassment, jealousy, fear, frustration, and grief with remarkable intensity while having very few tools for understanding what is happening inside their body, putting that experience into words, or calming themselves back down.
Emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time. It involves recognizing emotions, understanding what triggers them, tolerating uncomfortable feelings, and choosing how to respond. Young children are still learning all of these things.
When our children become dysregulated, our job is not necessarily to make the feeling go away. And yet, I see so many loving, well-intentioned parents doing exactly that—contorting their lives, schedules, and families in an effort to prevent their child from becoming upset.
Instead, our job is to help our kids learn something much more important: Feelings can get very big, and we can handle them.
If we are always quick to fix, rescue, distract, negotiate, or eliminate distress, we may miss important opportunities for children to develop frustration tolerance and emotional regulation. In some cases, we may even inadvertently teach them that feeling upset is itself a problem—or that becoming sufficiently upset is an effective way to make an uncomfortable situation change.
Without a doubt, children are all different. My three-nager outgrew the property destruction (with Sharpies) and threats to run away before he learned to subtract, although his big feelings showed up in other, less dramatic ways as he matured.
Developing more mature ways of handling emotions takes years. And there are several things parents can do along the way to help.
4 Ways to Help Children Develop Emotional Regulation
1. Co-Regulate: Let Them Borrow Your Calm
The first thing our dysregulated kids need from us is our calm confidence.
When children feel out of control, they often need to borrow our ability to regulate before they can access their own. We can speak slowly and calmly, minimize our words, stay physically and emotionally present, and resist the urge to match their intensity.
This is not the moment for a lecture, a lengthy explanation, or a debate about why their reaction doesn't make sense. A child whose nervous system is at a ten is not particularly available for a life lesson.
First, we help them come back down. We can teach later.
2. Validate: Help Them Feel Understood
Validation means acknowledging a child's emotional experience and communicating that their feelings are safe to have—even when we cannot or will not change the situation that caused them.
For example:
"You really wanted the blue cup."
"You're so disappointed that we have to leave."
"You worked really hard on that, and it hurts that it didn't turn out the way you wanted."
When adults acknowledge emotions rather than dismissing, minimizing, or immediately rescuing children from them, children begin to recognize and tolerate their own emotional experiences. Over time, validation helps them develop emotional awareness, trust their internal experiences, and learn that even very big feelings are temporary and manageable.
We don't have to agree that the problem is catastrophic to recognize that, in that moment, it feels catastrophic to them.
3. Maintain Boundaries: Feelings Are Allowed, and No Is Still No
Validation and boundaries are not opposites. In fact, children need both.
"I can see that you are angry that it's time to go. It's okay to feel mad, and it's still time to go."
We can acknowledge disappointment without changing the answer. We can tolerate our child's anger without negotiating away the boundary. And we can allow them to be unhappy with us without feeling compelled to make everything better.
Consistent boundaries create predictability and safety. When adults remain warm and steady while holding a limit, children learn something incredibly important: Your feelings are allowed, and no is still no.
Over time, this builds frustration tolerance. Children learn that uncomfortable emotions do not always need to be avoided, fixed, or acted upon. Sometimes we feel disappointed. Sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes someone tells us no.
And we can be okay anyway.
4. Give Feelings Language: Help Children Name What They're Experiencing
Big-feeling moments also provide opportunities to help children build emotional awareness and vocabulary.
At two or three, nearly everything unpleasant might be "MAD." As children mature, we can help them differentiate between frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, worried, jealous, lonely, and hurt.
We can also help them recognize physical states that make emotional regulation harder: hungry, tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, or simply needing a break.
The more precisely children can understand what is happening inside of them, the more options they eventually have for communicating what they need.
The Goal Isn't to Raise Children Who Never Have Big Feelings
The goal, after all, isn't to raise children who never become angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, or heartbroken. That would be neither realistic nor particularly healthy.
The goal is to raise children who gradually learn to recognize what they are feeling, put words to it, tolerate the discomfort, make choices about what to do with it, and eventually find their way back to calm.
When they are little, they need us to do much of that work alongside them.
Eventually, their bodies get bigger. Their problems get bigger, too. The wrong cup becomes the friend who leaves them out, the team they don't make, the grade they didn't expect, the relationship that ends, or the plan that falls apart.
We cannot protect them from all of those feelings.
But we can spend the early years teaching them:
You can feel this. You can get through this. And I'm here while you learn how.
Supporting Emotional Regulation in Children in Sandy, Utah
At Wasatch Learning & Wellness in Sandy, Utah, we understand that big emotions can be challenging for both children and parents. Learning to manage emotions is an important part of childhood development, and some children need additional support as they build these skills. Our team provides comprehensive psychological evaluations for children, teens, and adults, along with compassionate therapy services for ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, learning differences, and other mental health concerns. Our mission is to help individuals and families better understand themselves through expert, evidence-based care that leads to lasting growth.
Clear Insight. Meaningful Change.
Whether you're seeking answers through a psychological evaluation or looking for ongoing therapeutic support, our experienced team is here to help you move forward with confidence, clarity, and compassion.
Not sure where to begin? Schedule a free consultation with a psychologist to discuss your concerns, ask questions, and determine which services may be the best fit for you or your child.
A little bit about the author:
Nicole Stewart, PhD | Licensed Psychologist | Clinical Director of Wasatch Learning & Wellness
"Dr. Nicole Stewart is a licensed psychologist, co-owner of the practice, and former school psychologist with over two decades of experience supporting families and schools in Utah. She specializes in comprehensive psychological evaluations that reveal a person’s unique strengths and provide actionable roadmaps for school and home support."
