The Gift of Disappointment: Helping Children Build Resilience
This one is for the moms of big kids.
No matter your child's temperament, there comes a time when they take a risk with something they deeply care about. They put themselves out there, hoping for the outcome they've dreamed about. And sometimes, despite all their hard work, it doesn't happen.
That was us during the annual week of club soccer tryouts this spring.
My boys have played soccer since they had cherub cheeks, shin guards that swallowed their little legs, and tiny hands that still reached for mine. Soccer has been woven into the fabric of our family. We've spent years eating, sleeping, and breathing the game. Both boys have played on the same team since before they knew their multiplication tables, and some of the deepest friendships of their young lives have been built on those fields.
This year, both boys decided it was time to leave the comfort of the familiar and try out for one of the top-tier teams.
One made the highest-level team—and the other didn't.
It was one of the most emotionally gutting—and growth-producing—moments of my life so far as a parent.
As the sun was setting on a Tuesday evening, we pulled him into our bed and my husband quietly told him about the coach's phone call. Our boy was devastated. He blinked back tears and sat quietly between us.
Every instinct in me wanted to rescue him.
I wanted to soften the blow, distract him with pancakes and syrup, tell him the coach had made a terrible mistake, remind him how talented he was. Mostly, I wanted to make the pain go away.
But deep down, I knew there was nothing I could do or say that would make this hurt less. So we just sat. We held his hand. We let the silence linger. We let the sadness crash over all of us. And I fought the urge to fill the silence with words that would have made me feel better.
Because this wasn't about me.
Why Disappointment Helps Children Build Resilience
One of the hardest truths of parenting is that our job is not to shield our children from disappointment. It's to help them learn how to move through it in a healthy and honest way. Helping children handle disappointment isn't about making the pain disappear—it's about giving them the support and confidence to discover that they can face hard things and come through them stronger.
Resilience isn't built by avoiding pain. It's built by experiencing setbacks and discovering, little by little, that we can survive them. Life will provide enough disappointment all on its own. We don't have to manufacture it. But when it inevitably comes, we have the opportunity to teach something profound—not by fixing it, but by providing our presence.
We look in their eyes, even with tears in our own.
We love and hurt with them.
We stay consistent.
If we can raise children who know that failure doesn't change their worth, who can suffer without losing their identity, and who believe they're never alone in their pain, we've given them something far more valuable than an undefeated season.
That Tuesday night was hard—for all of us. After he went to bed, I cried real-live mom tears. My husband gently reminded me that our son would recover and make the most of whatever came next.
The following morning, he was still fragile. He hadn't told a soul, not even his brother.
But by Thursday evening, he got dressed, laced up his cleats, and walked back onto the field for another round of tryouts. He was ready to see what other opportunities he might have. He didn't hold a grudge, and he never said a single negative word about anyone. He simply went out there and showed what he was made of.
I watched in awe.
Sometimes they have a thing or two to teach us, and this was one of those times.
As it turned out, he landed on a highly competitive team with an outstanding record and a group of teammates he's already growing to love. They've won the first two tournaments they played in—yes, the whole thing—and proudly walked away with first-place medals.
But that's not really the point.
The Greatest Gift Wasn't the Team
The point is that he learned he could survive disappointment.
He learned that failure didn't define him. He learned that setbacks don't determine his worth, and that disappointment doesn't have to stop him from trying again.
And it turns out that so can I.
I can be patient and present while my children suffer. I can resist the urge to fix every hard moment and instead walk beside them through it. While I can't protect them from every disappointment, I can watch with pride as they discover their own strength, resilience, and courage.
As parents, that's what we hope our children carry with them long after the games, grades, auditions, and tryouts have passed. Because resilience isn't built by avoiding disappointment—it's built by walking through it, together.
Building Resilience Starts With Being Present
As parents, teachers, and caregivers, we can't protect children from every disappointment—and we shouldn't try to. What we can do is offer a steady presence, remind them that their worth is never defined by a single outcome, and help them see that setbacks are a natural part of growth.
When children know they are loved through both success and disappointment, they develop the confidence to keep trying. Those moments of support become the foundation for resilience, teaching them that challenges don't have to define them—they can shape them.
After all, resilience isn't about getting everything right the first time. It's about believing that with patience, perseverance, and support, growth is always possible.
About Wasatch Learning & Wellness
At Wasatch Learning & Wellness in Sandy, Utah, we provide comprehensive psychological evaluations for children, teens, and adults, along with compassionate therapy services for ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression, learning differences, and other mental health concerns. Our mission is to help individuals and families better understand themselves through expert, evidence-based care that leads to lasting growth.
Clear Insight. Meaningful Change.
Whether you're seeking answers through a psychological evaluation or looking for ongoing therapeutic support, our experienced team is here to help you move forward with confidence, clarity, and compassion.
Not sure where to begin? Schedule a free consultation with our Intake Coordinator to discuss your concerns, ask questions, and determine which services may be the best fit for you or your child. We're here to help you take the next step with confidence.
